Self reflection, Self Help or Lots of therapy?


As I have reviewed older entries, it dawned on me that they are littered with excuses as to why I don’t update often.  Not only that, it reminds me that I never finish anything.  School, antibiotics, raising pets (although I have had a dog for 3 years and I love her to pieces), and doing a journal.  In a dormant post a few months back, I wrote of the many times I have had to restart my life and today it got me thinking about the current phase of “restart Keri’s life #495494834”.  It has come to my conclusion that I need to attend therapy and continue the use of medication for my depression.  Depression is something that I have battled, like many since my very early teen years.  However, it was not until I suffered for years alone with this great sadness that I finally revealed this sorrow to my Mom and the desire to get help.  The only bad part about getting help is I didn't do what I was supposed to, which was TAKE THE PILLS!  I have never been able it seemed to remember to take medication daily as directed.  Then one day it just seemed like I could control the depression and I didn't feel bad anymore.  Yeah, I went through some rough and tough times, bad relationships and 2 pregnancies… but I liked who I was and where I was going, though not so much anymore.  In the years since I was laid off from my job, I have sunk into a depression that I have never felt before.  Let’s just say it’s bad enough that I am telling myself I want to go to therapy and get medicated.  Maybe I am a little wiser in these past years, combined with the desire to quash this draining feeling of misery and despair.  I think it really hit home this last year I was away from my kids to look for work, exiled to a little travel trailer in the swamp, alone.  Even though I was with my boyfriend, I didn't have my friends, family or my girls.  It was here I hungered for things that once were.  I knew I needed to change on a deeper level to get back to the happiness I once had.  That getting a job would not magically fix everything as easily as I dreamed; not after this much time has passed.  Spending that time feeling alone, it occurred to me that I have never felt like I had someone I could truly talk to.  I always feel like I have to hide certain aspects of what is truly bothering me to advert the judgment.  Even though I am going to be ridiculed and judged anyway, by leaving out bits and pieces, I could lighten the judgment.  It was this exact feeling that brought to light the realization I needed to spend time with a therapist; a completely neutral, unbiased source of reflection.    

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Constantly reinventing.


I have found myself in a rut both personally and in my relationship.  As a family, we have had to make many sacrifices to get back on our feet and start our lives over.  It seems that I have had to start over quite a few times and I still have not got it right.  When I lost my job in 2009 I had no idea what I was going to do, but somehow I got through it and was able to maintain my home and a so-so comfortable life for my children.  That was the first time I had to start over. 

The second time came when I finally called it quits with my children's father after 5 years.  It was then I finally realized I needed to get the hell out of dodge if I were to ever truly start over.  At this time, I met the love of my life and moved to Seattle; third times a charm?  The point of moving to Seattle was to look for work and go back to school and to just get away from my ex, who was NOT making life easy post break up.  After a 6 month lease, things did not work out how I planned and hoped with work, school and the man I loved.  I moved back home to Shelton, to my parents’ house, to hell.  So, we are at the fourth try?  Hoping this was only going to be a temporary move, I continued to apply for jobs in Seattle.  Cody, the man I loved, continued to be a part of my life and we forged on with that relationship, growing closer and deciding to give living together another try.  This time we knew we HAD to be working, not move and hope we find work.  Equally, we want to grow together and build a life and a family and it is with this dream I moved to Marysville to stay with him and look for work.

Number 5. 

I did find a job, finally!  However, I was laid off after 3 months and have since been in a rut full of depression, self-doubt and a little teeny bit of pity.  Slowly, I am coming out of it as the reality of our situation keeps slapping me in the face.  Cody is so close to getting on with an amazing company and us moving into a place is coming quick.  I am excited to have a home of my own again, to cook and clean, to decorate and break bread as a family at a real dining room table.  

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The technologically disadvantaged life.


As convenient as my phone is as a back up internet source, I really do get sick of looking at a small screen and miniature versions of websites trying to carter to limiting data plans with their mobile only sites.  The sites geared towards these plans leave out a lot of information as well as products for when I am shopping online.  How I would love to zoom in on an item on a 15" screen more often and type with two hands to the tune of 60+ WPM instead of finger tapping a mere 20 WPM!  These truly are the days of everything going electronic and touch screen.  Welcome to the future!  Well, the present... which I have never been scared of.  I have embraced our technological leaps and bounds with open arms and a curiosity to learn.  There have been triumphs, disasters, blue screens and huge smiles as the newest and latest gadget manages to occupy my mind.  With that being said, I found myself a little dumbfounded with my thoughts as I suddenly became offended that my children are growing up in this world where we learn on computer screens, clicking the next button and refresh instead of reading books and turning pages with our fingers.  I want my children to learn like we did in the good ol' days, by using the Dewey decimal system to find the complete set of 15 year old Encyclopedia Britannica; searching in alphabetical order for their topic.  Maybe this is just me getting a little nostalgic?

Aside from reminiscing, I sit at the table this morning with much on my mind.  My honey has gone for the morning to dispatch, and I am left here to wait for his return so I can take the car out to go do my girly errands, like grocery shop and relax with a manicure and triple shot mocha frappuccino.

On this day I decided to make more of an effort to maintain my blog.  Too often I feel the urge to let my fingers bang away at the keys, but get discouraged as I feel no one tunes in to my jibba-jabba.  I have to remind myself that this is an outlet for me, and if there is an audience to share my thoughts, then wonderful!  If not, my desire to type has at least been fulfilled, and at this point to feel satisfied with something that I have done is remarkable. 


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It's about time!

I didn't forget about my Blog per say... I just forgot my log in information.  When I would get the urge to update, I would remember that I forgot and suddenly the effort needed to regain the necessary information overpowered my actual desire to post.  


So, here I am about 2 years later and what a trip it has been.  I won't go into all the endless and needless details of what I have been doing for that past couple years.  Honestly, it's been day in and day out of nothing exciting and routine restlessness.  The biggest adventures I encountered were starting school again and moving to Seattle.  Then I had to quit school and move back to Shelton, only to turn around and do it all over again here in a few months!  This time I know I won't have as many obstacles to overcome and I feel my dedication is definitely too overwhelming to let me fail again.

It is that time though, time to sit back and relax.. or try to with all the noise and nonsense of the holiday going on.  Hope everyone has a Happy 4th!

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5 months later....

Let's start off with financial responsibility. Did I get out of debt? Sort of. Do I still owe large sums of money? Yes. I am trying not to rely on income taxes to alleviate the stress I feel from financial woes, but let's face it... thousands of dollars in one lump sum really, really helps. My goal is to be 100% debt free in 2010, again with the help of my taxes. However, with the loss of my job a few months ago, I fear that my taxes will not be what I am accustomed to and my goal is going to be prolonged farther out than hoped for. Even with that little set back I am following my motto, "Expect the worst and hope for the best." Pay what I can and figure out the rest as I tackle it.
I attended an amusing and informational sermon spanning 3 Sundays, courtesy of Dave Ramsey (http://www.daveramsey.com/). He had everything, then lost it, only to build himself back up debt free and a whole hell of a lot smarter. He just reminded us that everything you need to know about debt, money and life is in the bible. Who knew? Even though he covered things that are common sense like, save your money, was brought to the table in a format that made you really stop and think for a second. No credit cards? But what if....? No, but what here! If you do not owe on credit cards, think of all the money you can put into a savings account and if something happens, you do not have to rely on interest rates or over draft fee's. It is all sitting in the bank quietly earning YOU interest.
I decided to apply this "new found" information to my every day financial life and revive my resolution for financial responsibility. I intend to lose my credit cards in a deep abyss somewhere in my Mom's house, and make my monthly payments (I always pay more than is due anyway), and if it works out, pay off the remaining balances with my taxes. Yeah, I went there again. Even though my credit card debt is not nearly as high as most Americans, it is definitely more than I want to pay or even owe. I am a slave to financial institutions and I am going to break the chains!

Car payment, where? Credit card bill, where? Collection agencies calling my house 24/7? No More!

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Yes it is a new year.

Another year down, and if I am lucky 70 more to go.

I typically do not set New Year's resolutions, in fact I do not think I have ever until last year. Why set myself up for disappointment? Of course if I set achievable, realistic resolutions, then there should not be a problem. Okay, let's try that. Last year, I knew not to set the obvious and cliché "I will diet, I will lose weight, I will exercise and eat healthier" resolution, although I did keep that in the back of my mind. Hello! I had 2 kids in 2 years and time is ticking away and the weight keeps going up! Instead, I stuck with something a little more fitting and relevant to my life, a change that needed to happen for preservation of happiness. How about, try to be nicer to people? Apparently, I come across as being a bitch and some other not so nice words. In my head, I think I am quite pleasant with my friends and acquaintances. I am known for my straight forward and blunt approach, but that is also part of the definition to honesty in the Ker-ictionary; right where you see my picture. Last time I checked, honesty was a value and a hard to find one at that in humans anymore. With that being said, I just need to take the time and evaluate my words and how they come across. Keep in mind, it is not always what you say, but how you say it. I like to believe I was partially successful with that resolution. I cannot please everyone and if I pissed you off, I am sorry.

So, let's move forward to 2009. Our key goal this year ... Financial responsibility! I buy something and I say I am going to do this and do that and I will pay on time, even early and more than I am supposed to! I never do. When I bought my car last year, I swore up and down that I would make sure to keep the oil changed and check it constantly and I would never let the gas gage go below 1/4 a tank. Uhm, I ran out of gas 3 times and my oil has not been changed since I bought it 20,000 miles ago. I am hoping I finally learned my lesson once I am out of this financial pickle, with help from my long awaited income taxes.
With my schedule it was hard to make time for the girls to get to their WIC appointments. I figured it did not cost that much for milk, eggs and cheese so I would just get it with my food stamps. Now food stamps do not go as far as they used to and I made it a point to get the girls back on WIC. Whatever I can save, helps, a lot. Heck, I am even going to clip coupons and use those from now on. Coupon clipping party anyone? I have been online doing some grocery price comparison and I am not going to shop only at Wal-Mart anymore. It's convenience no longer counts when I need to be price savvy.
I want this to be my turn around year. The year Keri grows up and fully embraces motherhood and adulthood. If I do not have the money to buy it in full, then I do not need it. I want to better the lives of my children and of course my own, but the first step to that is having security. I am stressed and unhappy because of said stress. Right now, the leading cause of said stress is money. I feel better knowing a great big chunk of this will be erased and I can breathe easier, and if I am lucky grow some more hair and not so many gray ones. Maybe after that, if you can cross your fingers for me, I can save the money I need and move up the "East side", or is it the west?

I hope we have all learned something from 2008, and can take those lessons and apply them this year and hope for better outcomes.

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For 3 years I have been a stay at home mom after I lost my job during the recession. Now I am pursuing a degree in Nursing, while taking care of my 2 daughters and our pug, Ruby. We are just dealing with life as it happens, overcoming one obstacle at a time.

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