As I have reviewed older entries, it dawned on me that they are littered with excuses as to why I don’t update often.  Not only that, it reminds me that I never finish anything.  School, antibiotics, raising pets (although I have had a dog for 3 years and I love her to pieces), and doing a journal.  In a dormant post a few months back, I wrote of the many times I have had to restart my life and today it got me thinking about the current phase of “restart Keri’s life #495494834”.  It has come to my conclusion that I need to attend therapy and continue the use of medication for my depression.  Depression is something that I have battled, like many since my very early teen years.  However, it was not until I suffered for years alone with this great sadness that I finally revealed this sorrow to my Mom and the desire to get help.  The only bad part about getting help is I didn't do what I was supposed to, which was TAKE THE PILLS!  I have never been able it seemed to remember to take medication daily as directed.  Then one day it just seemed like I could control the depression and I didn't feel bad anymore.  Yeah, I went through some rough and tough times, bad relationships and 2 pregnancies… but I liked who I was and where I was going, though not so much anymore.  In the years since I was laid off from my job, I have sunk into a depression that I have never felt before.  Let’s just say it’s bad enough that I am telling myself I want to go to therapy and get medicated.  Maybe I am a little wiser in these past years, combined with the desire to quash this draining feeling of misery and despair.  I think it really hit home this last year I was away from my kids to look for work, exiled to a little travel trailer in the swamp, alone.  Even though I was with my boyfriend, I didn't have my friends, family or my girls.  It was here I hungered for things that once were.  I knew I needed to change on a deeper level to get back to the happiness I once had.  That getting a job would not magically fix everything as easily as I dreamed; not after this much time has passed.  Spending that time feeling alone, it occurred to me that I have never felt like I had someone I could truly talk to.  I always feel like I have to hide certain aspects of what is truly bothering me to advert the judgment.  Even though I am going to be ridiculed and judged anyway, by leaving out bits and pieces, I could lighten the judgment.  It was this exact feeling that brought to light the realization I needed to spend time with a therapist; a completely neutral, unbiased source of reflection.    

I have found myself in a rut both personally and in my relationship.  As a family, we have had to make many sacrifices to get back on our feet and start our lives over.  It seems that I have had to start over quite a few times and I still have not got it right.  When I lost my job in 2009 I had no idea what I was going to do, but somehow I got through it and was able to maintain my home and a so-so comfortable life for my children.  That was the first time I had to start over. 

The second time came when I finally called it quits with my children's father after 5 years.  It was then I finally realized I needed to get the hell out of dodge if I were to ever truly start over.  At this time, I met the love of my life and moved to Seattle; third times a charm?  The point of moving to Seattle was to look for work and go back to school and to just get away from my ex, who was NOT making life easy post break up.  After a 6 month lease, things did not work out how I planned and hoped with work, school and the man I loved.  I moved back home to Shelton, to my parents’ house, to hell.  So, we are at the fourth try?  Hoping this was only going to be a temporary move, I continued to apply for jobs in Seattle.  Cody, the man I loved, continued to be a part of my life and we forged on with that relationship, growing closer and deciding to give living together another try.  This time we knew we HAD to be working, not move and hope we find work.  Equally, we want to grow together and build a life and a family and it is with this dream I moved to Marysville to stay with him and look for work.

Number 5. 

I did find a job, finally!  However, I was laid off after 3 months and have since been in a rut full of depression, self-doubt and a little teeny bit of pity.  Slowly, I am coming out of it as the reality of our situation keeps slapping me in the face.  Cody is so close to getting on with an amazing company and us moving into a place is coming quick.  I am excited to have a home of my own again, to cook and clean, to decorate and break bread as a family at a real dining room table.  

As convenient as my phone is as a back up internet source, I really do get sick of looking at a small screen and miniature versions of websites trying to carter to limiting data plans with their mobile only sites.  The sites geared towards these plans leave out a lot of information as well as products for when I am shopping online.  How I would love to zoom in on an item on a 15" screen more often and type with two hands to the tune of 60+ WPM instead of finger tapping a mere 20 WPM!  These truly are the days of everything going electronic and touch screen.  Welcome to the future!  Well, the present... which I have never been scared of.  I have embraced our technological leaps and bounds with open arms and a curiosity to learn.  There have been triumphs, disasters, blue screens and huge smiles as the newest and latest gadget manages to occupy my mind.  With that being said, I found myself a little dumbfounded with my thoughts as I suddenly became offended that my children are growing up in this world where we learn on computer screens, clicking the next button and refresh instead of reading books and turning pages with our fingers.  I want my children to learn like we did in the good ol' days, by using the Dewey decimal system to find the complete set of 15 year old Encyclopedia Britannica; searching in alphabetical order for their topic.  Maybe this is just me getting a little nostalgic?

Aside from reminiscing, I sit at the table this morning with much on my mind.  My honey has gone for the morning to dispatch, and I am left here to wait for his return so I can take the car out to go do my girly errands, like grocery shop and relax with a manicure and triple shot mocha frappuccino.

On this day I decided to make more of an effort to maintain my blog.  Too often I feel the urge to let my fingers bang away at the keys, but get discouraged as I feel no one tunes in to my jibba-jabba.  I have to remind myself that this is an outlet for me, and if there is an audience to share my thoughts, then wonderful!  If not, my desire to type has at least been fulfilled, and at this point to feel satisfied with something that I have done is remarkable.