As I have reviewed older entries, it dawned on me that they are littered with excuses as to why I don’t update often.  Not only that, it reminds me that I never finish anything.  School, antibiotics, raising pets (although I have had a dog for 3 years and I love her to pieces), and doing a journal.  In a dormant post a few months back, I wrote of the many times I have had to restart my life and today it got me thinking about the current phase of “restart Keri’s life #495494834”.  It has come to my conclusion that I need to attend therapy and continue the use of medication for my depression.  Depression is something that I have battled, like many since my very early teen years.  However, it was not until I suffered for years alone with this great sadness that I finally revealed this sorrow to my Mom and the desire to get help.  The only bad part about getting help is I didn't do what I was supposed to, which was TAKE THE PILLS!  I have never been able it seemed to remember to take medication daily as directed.  Then one day it just seemed like I could control the depression and I didn't feel bad anymore.  Yeah, I went through some rough and tough times, bad relationships and 2 pregnancies… but I liked who I was and where I was going, though not so much anymore.  In the years since I was laid off from my job, I have sunk into a depression that I have never felt before.  Let’s just say it’s bad enough that I am telling myself I want to go to therapy and get medicated.  Maybe I am a little wiser in these past years, combined with the desire to quash this draining feeling of misery and despair.  I think it really hit home this last year I was away from my kids to look for work, exiled to a little travel trailer in the swamp, alone.  Even though I was with my boyfriend, I didn't have my friends, family or my girls.  It was here I hungered for things that once were.  I knew I needed to change on a deeper level to get back to the happiness I once had.  That getting a job would not magically fix everything as easily as I dreamed; not after this much time has passed.  Spending that time feeling alone, it occurred to me that I have never felt like I had someone I could truly talk to.  I always feel like I have to hide certain aspects of what is truly bothering me to advert the judgment.  Even though I am going to be ridiculed and judged anyway, by leaving out bits and pieces, I could lighten the judgment.  It was this exact feeling that brought to light the realization I needed to spend time with a therapist; a completely neutral, unbiased source of reflection.