Self reflection, Self Help or Lots of therapy?
As I have reviewed older entries, it dawned on me that they
are littered with excuses as to why I don’t update often. Not only that, it reminds me that I never
finish anything. School, antibiotics, raising
pets (although I have had a dog for 3 years and I love her to pieces), and
doing a journal. In a dormant post a few
months back, I wrote of the many times I have had to restart my life and today
it got me thinking about the current phase of “restart Keri’s life
#495494834”. It has come to my conclusion
that I need to attend therapy and continue the use of medication for my
depression. Depression is something that
I have battled, like many since my very early teen years. However, it was not until I suffered for
years alone with this great sadness that I finally revealed this sorrow to my
Mom and the desire to get help. The only
bad part about getting help is I didn't do what I was supposed to, which was
TAKE THE PILLS! I have never been able
it seemed to remember to take medication daily as directed. Then one day it just seemed like I could
control the depression and I didn't feel bad anymore. Yeah, I went through some rough and tough
times, bad relationships and 2 pregnancies… but I liked who I was and where I
was going, though not so much anymore.
In the years since I was laid off from my job, I have sunk into a
depression that I have never felt before.
Let’s just say it’s bad enough that I am telling myself I want to go to
therapy and get medicated. Maybe I am a
little wiser in these past years, combined with the desire to quash this
draining feeling of misery and despair.
I think it really hit home this last year I was away from my kids to
look for work, exiled to a little travel trailer in the swamp, alone. Even though I was with my boyfriend, I didn't have my friends, family or my girls. It
was here I hungered for things that once were.
I knew I needed to change on a deeper level to get back to the happiness
I once had. That getting a job would not
magically fix everything as easily as I dreamed; not after this much time has
passed. Spending that time feeling
alone, it occurred to me that I have never felt like I had someone I could
truly talk to. I always feel like I have
to hide certain aspects of what is truly bothering me to advert the
judgment. Even though I am going to be
ridiculed and judged anyway, by leaving out bits and pieces, I could lighten
the judgment. It was this exact feeling
that brought to light the realization I needed to spend time with a therapist;
a completely neutral, unbiased source of reflection.
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